The Empty Cases’ Guide for the Real, Gun Using, Outdoor Kind of Woman

The response to the Empty Cases Guide to Being a Real, Gun Using, Outdoor Kind of Man post was phenomenal. It was interesting to see the track-backs and how folks were responding on various forums. Some were even scoring themselves with regard to how many points they could check off the list.

This got me to thinking, there needs to be an Empty Cases’ Guide for Real, Gun Using, Outdoor Kind of Woman. The problem of course is that I have no first hand experience with that. However, I know a number of ladies who are real, gun using, outdoor kind of women so I asked for help. And, well, I’m also a guy so, I know everything else that matters about women.

And, here it is. Don’t shoot the messenger:

Drive a truck; or an SUV…but look good when you do it. Roll the windows down just a little so your hair blows back. Don’t roll them down so much you look like a bag lady.

Keep a knife or a multi-tool in your purse or SUV. Nothing worse than a bottle of wine and no corkscrew or duck tape over someone’s mouth with no blade to cut it off after they are done listening to you.

Get a hat, a sexy, straw cowboy kind of hat. One you can bend and shape to fit your mood and style. Wear it with a gypsy skirt, with cut-off jean shorts and boots or with a bathing suit.

And get a baseball cap. Wear your hair in a ponytail through the hole. Wear it when you drive the truck with the windows rolled all the way down or when you hunt or workout. When you’re done make a big deal out of taking the cap off and shaking your hair out of the ponytail. In fact, get a bunch of hats, and shoes, and boots!

If you are going to carry a handgun (Maybe you aren’t going to carry a handgun, but if you are a woman, you should at least own a handgun.) know how to use it but don’t brag about it.

Peek-a-boo tattoos are okay and what others think about them means doodly-squat. You had a reason for getting it. If you regret it later, you can have your reason for that too.

Think twice about going out with a guy who keeps a rope, a rifle and ammo in his truck. Just saying…

You don’t have to know how to cook lots of things, but you should know how to cook one or two things really well. Have a signature dish – No, not KFC hot wings – something homemade, like pecan pie or pumpkin roll, even a damn cheese ball.

Be prepared and able to protect yourself. Don’t count on men to be there when you need them or to be there on time. And, let’s face it, some men are just pansies!

If you hunt, backpack or hike, have a compass and know how to use it.

Keep pepper spray and a flashlight close at hand

If you see a mouse, don’t scream; cuss your cat.

Carry toilet paper and band aids at all times.

Share the outdoors with your kids or invite other women along on your journey.

Find the gun you are comfortable with for home and personal protection. There’s no such thing as a ladies gun!

Know how to drive a stick shift, tie a knot and the difference between whiskey and scotch.

You live on Earth, not planet Pandora from the movie Avatar. The only place you can hide in pink camo is the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade.

Pink guns are perfectly OK, if they squirt water. Pink underwear? Sure, as long as its not granny panties.

Shake hands like you mean it. No limp wrists; you’re a woman not a delicate flower. If a man gives you the limp wrist, tell him he is a sissy.

When in doubt about makeup, mascara.

If you insist on wearing tactard pants to the range at least get the ones cut for women. Men’s tactard pants don’t do women any favors, regardless of their body shape. Better yet, don’t wear tactard pants at all. Jeans. For the love of God there is nothing like a woman in jeans!

It’s OK to look like a librarian one day, Tarzan’s Jane the next day and like a mom the next. No one expects a woman to know what she wants to be, every second of every day, so be who you are…one day at a time.

Either way, be yourself unless you are a hooker! Then always be a hooker.

A Realtree camouflage bra is not sexy. When your husband or boyfriend sees you, he wants to think Victoria’s Secret, not Bass Pro Shops.

A low cut shirt is a tool to be used as needed but not on the range. When a hot empty case gets stuck in your cleavage, waving a loaded gun at everyone else on the firing line, while you do the Burning Boob Boogie is decidedly unsexy.

Hot Caliber jewelry is pretty cool if you just can’t bring yourself to wear the gold and diamonds your husband painstakingly selected at Jared.

Necklaces? Always!

Gunsite isn’t “too military” for a woman.

You can’t hide a Glock 19 in skinny jeans, with no belt and tight fitting t-shirt. Galco holsters are great but they won’t make your gun any smaller. If you are going to carry, dress accordingly.

It’s ok to look like a girl with manicured nails, make-up and perfectly-coiffed hair. Likewise, it’s ok to be “one of the guys” in camp and not worry about a picture perfect image but always – always – brush your teeth.

If you think you have to wear a bikini on the beach to be sexy, you’re a very foolish woman. Stop reading now and go watch a soap opera!

It’s OK for a man to open a door for you and if he does, at least smile at him, even if he is homeless. Let that same homeless guy carry your bags and gun case! Chivalry is not dead and you don’t want a hernia.

Don’t doubt yourself or your ability. You are a woman not a candy ass. Few things are as un-sexy a woman second-guessing herself.

Sometimes, it is okay to eat like you mean it and even get food on your face. And, it’s also okay to cry sometimes.

It’s perfectly acceptable to cheer for your kids at the top of your lungs like a maniac and then act like a civilized human – and like you never did that – immediately after the game.

Beauty is more about confidence and character than looks.

There is a rather fine line between being a prissy pain in the ass and being “one of the guys”. Don’t be afraid to get dirty and get ‘r done but for crying out loud, be a lady about it.

Dumping your kids on an unsuspecting baby sitter and going out with your man to act like a kid again should be mandatory and monthly.

And finally, for the love of Raquel Welch, remember that it does not matter if you are a woman who hunts, a woman who shoots or a woman who lives in a tent on the artic tundra, you’re still a woman and men will adore you so be nice to the ones who show you the respect you deserve.