Last night after all the kids were asleep, Drema and I found some time on our hands. She has been off work for the past two days due to a vicious stomach 
virus so instead of getting out the Monopoly game we decided to look for something on TV to watch.
Flipping through the channels I stopped when I saw this Hatfield and McCoy looking feller, with a flop hat and a lever action rifle, talking about some sort of monster. As it turns out it he was a fellow West Virginian who has got some of his ugliest friends together and started his own television show called Mountain Monsters.
Little did I know there was an underground monster hunting organization in the Appalachian Mountains that was based out of my home state! Its called AIMS which stands for the Appalachian Investigators of Mysterious Sightings and they are at the ready to identify and snare fictional beasts in the hope of helping local mountain communities rest more easily. (Honestly, I’m not making this shit up.)
Its almost like they are right out of the pages of a Larry Correia novel and are card carrying members of Monster Hunter Nation. Problem is, I don’t think these hillbillies have ever read a Larry Correia book because they are woefully ill equipped to deal with the beasts they are pitting their limited wits against.
The first thing I feel I should do is make a call out to Larry and have him send these boys a copy of all his books so they can, like they say on the West coast, “get their poop grouped.” The next thing I think I should do is provide these backwoodsmen with some firearms training before they accidently shoot one of their camera men. No, maybe I should just see if the boys at Gunsite will offer at least one day of free training for the group. They could fly a few instructors in and use the new range here at Shadowland.
Because of this sense of duty I feel toward my fellow mountain dwellers, I’m making a call out to my friends in the industry to get these gentlemen equipped with some good kit. I noticed the leader of the group, John Trapper Tice, was wearing a Glock. Heavens! You can’t hunt monsters with a Glock!
I think Mossberg should step up and equip each of these brave souls with a 590 Special Purpose for when they’re after the Lizard Demon. Remington should provide them with R15s in .30 Remington AR and Nightforce should throw in a NXS Compact 1-4Xs with an illuminated reticle for when they are night fighting the Kentucky Hell Hound. (One of them boys was carrying a Savage 99!) Timney could provide new triggers and Buffalo Bore could ship them crates of ammo.
They’ll also need quality handguns and that means a 1911 or a Browning Hi-Power. Galco can fit them all up with Miami Classic Shoulder Rigs and XS can 
provide the 24/7 sights. A Remington R 51 in a Versacarry would make a neat little backup gun and of course Crimson Trace can provide lasers for all these handguns. I’m not sure whether a red or green laser would be appropriate for taking on the Grassman though. (By the way, what the hell is the Grassman?)
One of the group claims to be a Marine and since I did not see any long range tools at their disposal, Sisk Rifles could loan them one of his STAR rifles and Nightforce could top it off with one of their new SHV riflescopes. Hey, if you’re going after the Moth Man, I’d suggest you keep your distance.
For a moment I contemplated contacting Mountain Khakis and asking them to help the team with their wardrobe but good looking and rugged outdoor clothing might detract from the redneck appeal of the production. And, I’m not sure MK has anything to fit the one they call Buck.
If these dudes can get kitted up properly and, if they’ll read Larry’s books about real monster hunters, I might invite them up to Shadowland. I’ve been seeing tracks and hearing noises at night and I’m about convinced there’s a Wookalar lurking in the rocks up behind the house. I’d go take care of it myself but being a family man and all…
The last thing this group of monster fighting hill jacks need is a woman in their ranks. How could you possibly put together a production like this and not have the token female in the mix. The question is, which woman should I ask to join their ranks?
[poll id=”43″]
In all seriousness, if you need a good laugh, set your DVR to record one of these episodes. It will change your life and you’ll get a real look at what goes on back in these hills.
When the show went off last night, and when Drema wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes, she asked me if I’d call Buzz Mills at Gunsite to see if he could find us a home somewhere in Arizona. Seems she was a bit embarrassed about how us hill folk were being portrayed.
I told her it was not a very good idea because the last time I was at Gunsite I thought I saw a dust monster and that I didn’t figure the AIMS team would travel that far just to help to displaced hillbillies out of a jam.
I’m a ‘redneck’ hillbilly from Alberta, Canada. We’re often called the Texas of Canada, in a disparaging way…but I and many Albertan’s are secretly proud of the connotation, as there is nothing wrong with being a ‘redneck’.
I have a love-hate relationship with what passes for ‘reality’ TV these days. I’m a huge fan of the Robertson clan (Duck Dynasty)…a show that in my mind portrays ‘rednecks’ as down to earth, simple at heart people who actually still have some of the values that made North American society great.
Then we have shows like ‘Mountain Monsters’ that portray us (redneck…in the good sense) as a bunch of nutbar loons who are proof positive that our guns should be taken away.
I really wonder what the motives of the networks execs who come up with this crap are.
End of Rant.
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I’ll join if there’s hunting involved and Peabody can come! heehee