Size Matters

Really? I guess it depends on which women’s magazine you read. As far as guys are concerned – at least most guys – they do like big things. They like big trucks with big tires, cars with big engines, and lots of guys like big guns. They like big boobs and big butts but they don’t like big women, even if they have big boobs and big butts.

Mostly guys who hunt like critters with big head-gear. I don’t think there is anything wrong with any of that but it bothers me when the tape measure comes out. I realize that this notion of measuring trophies came about as a way to honor the animal but I’m convinced the animals don’t really give a shit. As a matter of fact, I’m sure of it.

A few years ago I was visiting a friend and several nice bucks were eating at a feeder in his pasture. One was a big and wide 12 pointer some folks would have sacrificed their little toe, first-born or 401K for. After a bit, a modest sized eight-point eased out of the woods and walked over to the feeder, stiff-legged and head down. All the other bucks, including the 12-point, backed away from the feeder. In fact, they did not eat at all until that eight point left.

When I was growing up antlers were never measured. We counted the number of points. That’s it. Easterners counted the points on one side and added that number to the points on the other side. Westerners counted the points on each side and left it that way. I’ve always assumed this is because addition is not something westerners excel at.

Either way seemed sufficient but now days if you tell someone you shot an 11-point, that’s not enough information. They want to know how it scored, how wide it was, and need details on things like G1s, G2s, and G3s. Look, I like a big rack – all kinds of big racks – just as much as the next guy. But, I don’t need a tape measure to help me make a decision or appreciate what I have my hands on.

If you are hunting and a deer, elk, kudu or anything else walks up and you decide to pull the trigger, nothing else should matter. If you shoot a five point and your buddy shoots a seven, good for him and good for you. You’ve both had a successful hunt. If you feel jealous you should have never pulled the trigger to start with.

Hunting in Montana last November my host, my guide and me were watching three different whitetails, in three different locations. All were nice; two were 10s and one was an eight. The guide asked which one I wanted. I thought about it, thought about the hunt required for all three and how I would remember each as part of my Montana adventure. I decided on the eight. (My guide called it a 4X4.)

We made the stalk, I made the shot and when we were standing over the buck I remarked, “I believe he’ll go 180 or more.” Neither companion said a word. In fact, both turned and walked away.” I thought, that was rude, so I repeated myself.

The guide said, “I don’t mean to offend you but he’ll be lucky to break 130.” This got me wondering if this might be the first dead deer this guy had ever seen. However, neither he nor my host had been privy to a conversation I’d had with the ranch operator about the size – weight – of the whitetails there, compared to those back in West Virginia.

I said, “Dude, if you think that deer only weighs 130 pounds you need to go back to guide school.”

At that remark my host and guide both started laughing and said, “We thought you were talking about his antler score. We thought you were nuts.” Well, if I’d shot that deer and been disappointed with how he scored, I would’ve been nuts. When I decided to pull the trigger, I was happy with the deer.

Here’s what really matters. If you want to brag about your hunt – and that’s OK as far as I’m concerned – brag about the stalk you managed, the cold you endured, the mountain you climbed, and even the shot you made. Heck, even brag about how good it tasted when you ate it.

You got no business bragging about body parts that are not yours.

Last November my wife shot her first whitetail buck. She did it all by herself. It was a spike and she was damned proud. I was too. Most will say, “For a first whitetail buck a spike is fine.” Listen, if you want to shoot a spike its fine I don’t care if it’s your 150^th whitetail. That’s exactly what I did the next week after a brutal eight days of hunting, even after passing on a spike the first week. I found him, I shot him and you know what? Now I’m going to eat him.

If you shoot a deer and you are mad because his G2 is an inch shorter than you thought, or if you’re depressed because he has a broken tine, I’m not so sure you had any business pulling that trigger to start with.

According to Google, Kate Upton is a 34DD. I assume someone, somewhere, at sometime used a tape measure to figure that out. (Why anyone would stand around Kate Upton fiddling with a tape measure is beyond me.) Do you think there are any guys, anywhere, who actually care about that measurement?

Does size matter? Undeniably so. But, if you waste your life playing with a tape measure you’ll miss out on things that are a lot more important. Small, medium, large and extra-large are terms all humans are intimately familiar with. Go much beyond that and the math takes all the fun out of it. Just ask any western deer hunter.