{"id":8597,"date":"2014-03-16T17:10:03","date_gmt":"2014-03-16T17:10:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ramworks.net\/blog\/?p=8597"},"modified":"2016-02-24T16:53:27","modified_gmt":"2016-02-24T16:53:27","slug":"turkey-hunting-is-stupid","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/turkey-hunting-is-stupid\/","title":{"rendered":"Turkey Hunting is Stupid"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Gobble\"Turkey hunting is stupid. I know, some of you have already picked up rocks to throw my way; you may have even loaded your Mossberg 500<\/a> with three-inch magnums and jumped in your truck to drive to West Virginia. But wait; let me explain.<\/p>\n

You get up before the crow has taken his morning leak. Then, you drive for miles out into the country. Just as the sun is starting to pink-up the morning sky, you get out a long tube and blow into it trying to sound like an owl.\u00a0What you really sound like is a cow with digestion problems.<\/p>\n

Then, nothing happens.<\/p>\n

You walk about a mile, blow into your fake owl \/ cow call again and then you hear a turkey gobble back where you parked the truck.<\/p>\n

The sun is almost up so you run. Yes, you run like your headed to home plate – like Forest Gump, back to almost where your truck is parked. Then you throw out some plastic birds that look like depressed, meth head turkeys. next, you put your back against a tree and pull a mask down over your face because you think that the turkey you’re hunting knows the turkey hunting expert you are.
\n\"W-35\"<\/p>\n

Now, it gets even more stupid. You put a piece of rubber in your mouth and start blowing; trying to make a sound like a lovesick hen. The really talented turkey callers move their head in a turkey like motion. They even put their hand up to their face so it is apparent to any turkey watching that they are truly skilled operators. This undoubtedly makes the noises they are creating all that more real.<\/p>\n

The gobbler answers again. (Turkeys will sometimes gobble at anything – like a truck door slamming – so don’t get the big head.) This time he sounds really excited. You\u2019ve yelled at him and said, \u201cHey, I\u2019m a girl turkey and I want sex.\u201d When he answered you, you thought he said, \u201cHere I come baby.\u201d You think you can talk turkey; you\u2019re wrong.\u00a0What you really said was, “I have a headache and its that time of the month.”<\/p>\n

Even though there was not another turkey bird talking that morning, and even though that gobbler was only about 100 yards away. And even though you were begging for loving in your best turkey voice, the gobbler did not care. He flew down \u2013 you heard it \u2013 and when he hit the ground he gobbled again. You answered with, \u201cOh baby! I\u2019ll spread my feathers for you!\u201d He answered back and you thought he said, \u201cI\u2019m headed your way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"W-34\"What he really said was, \u201cYou\u2019re not my type.\u201d As he began to walk away, gobbling about every fifth step.<\/p>\n

Turkey\u2019s are stupid birds. Let a woman yell the same thing at a man and he\u2019ll break a leg, ford a river, climb a mountain and try to work a calculus problem while headed her way.<\/p>\n

Sometimes, for whatever reason, a gobbler will walk in your direction when you are calling. Sometimes when they do, they get close enough to shoot at. This is typically where the concept of using a shotgun to kill a turkey proves to be just as stupid as hunting them altogether. You aim at the bird\u2019s head \u2013 he\u2019s only 20 yards away \u2013 and you pull the trigger and he promptly runs off.\u00a0Somehow he managed to find a hole in the hundreds of BBs pattern you threw his way.<\/p>\n

You rub your shoulder and wonder why in the hell you thought a three-inch magnum was a good idea and decide a bologna and cheese sandwich, with a warm Coke, would be perfect just about now.\u00a0Yeah, you could eat it while driving home, listening to that cassette tape on how to call turkeys. (If you don’t know what a cassette tape is, stop reading right here, you’re not old enough to experience the disappointment known as turkey hunting.)<\/p>\n

Course, other things can happen when you\u2019re turkey hunting too. Once in Oklahoma I was turkey hunting with an in-line muzzleloading shotgun. The big gobbler came into about 50 yards. Oh, let me tell you, he wanted some of the girl bird I sounded like. I cocked the gun. Well, I tried to cock the gun; the hammer would not stay back. The gobbler was coming and coming fast and the only thing I could do was hold the hammer back and let it go while I held the trigger down.<\/p>\n

It worked; the gun went off when the birds was at about 25 yards and the 38-pound gobbler was hidden by smoke. (I’m an excellent judge of turkey weight just like all turkey hunters are – even those who have only killed one.) When the smoke cleared I could see him running across the field like his ass was on fire and his head was a catching. (I figure he thought the blackpowder smoke was mustard gas. I think I heard him coughing when he hit the tree line.) I hate shotguns almost as much as I hate in-line muzzleloaders.\u00a0<\/strong><\/em>\"W-33\"<\/p>\n

This is why when I do turkey hunt I use a real gun like a rifle or a pistol. Yes, this is illegal in some states but not in West Virginia. In fact, I\u2019ve found out that turkey birds can ignore me just as well no matter what kind of gun I\u2019m carrying. Maybe the best turkey gun would be something like a Mossberg 500<\/a> topped off with one of them high-tech EOTech holographic sights<\/a>. That, combined with a magazine tube full punk\u2019n balls (For those who don\u2019t know, that\u2019s old timey talk for slugs.) should be just about perfect for stupid, un-killable birds.<\/p>\n

I might go turkey hunting this spring. My son has a desire to kill one with his grandpa\u2019s old model 12. Like most turkey hunters, I\u2019m an excellent caller but I\u2019m convinced that the turkeys in my neck of the woods don\u2019t speak southern. (I think when West Virginia restocked and rebuilt their turkey population they used northern birds.) I\u2019m also sometimes convinced that my property is actually a lesbian retreat for turkeys; hens are everywhere but the gobblers always seem to be on the neighbor\u2019s property. They\u2019re safe over there though; he don\u2019t know how to kill those stupid birds either.<\/p>\n

TURKEY HUNTING IS STUPID PART II<\/a><\/p>\n

TURKEY HUNTING IS STUPID PART III<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Turkey hunting is stupid. I know, some of you have already picked up rocks to throw my way; you may have even loaded your Mossberg 500 with three-inch magnums and jumped in your truck to drive to West Virginia. But wait; let me explain. You get up before the crow has taken his morning leak. Then, you drive for miles out into …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2522],"tags":[532,533,534],"class_list":["post-8597","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-hunt","tag-eotech-sights","tag-mossberg-500","tag-turkey-hunting"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5hujZ-2eF","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":13113,"url":"https:\/\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/turkey-hunting-is-stupid-the-full-story\/","url_meta":{"origin":8597,"position":0},"title":"Turkey Hunting is Stupid – The full Story","author":"gunwriter","date":"March 25, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"PART I Turkey hunting is stupid. I know, some of you have already picked up rocks to throw my way; you may have even loaded your\u00a0Mossberg 500\u00a0with three-inch magnums and jumped in your truck to drive to West Virginia. But wait; let me explain. You get up before the crow\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "EDITORIAL"","block_context":{"text":"EDITORIAL","link":"https:\/\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/category\/editorial\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Turkey-1","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/Turkey-1.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/Turkey-1.jpg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/Turkey-1.jpg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/03\/Turkey-1.jpg?resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":13223,"url":"https:\/\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/being-flexable-but-just-with-some-things\/","url_meta":{"origin":8597,"position":1},"title":"Being FLEXable – But Just with some things!","author":"gunwriter","date":"April 18, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00a0 \u00a0 It seems I might have lost control of my surroundings. The other day my wife Drema told me she wanted to go turkey hunting. As you can imagine I was perplexed, even more so when she said she wanted to use a shotgun! I told her the little\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "DEFENSE"","block_context":{"text":"DEFENSE","link":"https:\/\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/category\/defense\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"FL-1","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/04\/FL-1.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/04\/FL-1.jpg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/04\/FL-1.jpg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/04\/FL-1.jpg?resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":8910,"url":"https:\/\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/turkey-hunting-is-stupid-part-iii-calling-in-the-expert\/","url_meta":{"origin":8597,"position":2},"title":"Turkey Hunting is Stupid Part III – Calling in the Expert","author":"gunwriter","date":"May 1, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Not being a professional turkey hunter and seeing how my son wanted to shoot a turkey bird with his grandfather\u2019s old model 12, 16 gauge, I called one in. Calling in a professional turkey hunter seemed much easier than calling in a turkey; this is probably because there are more\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "HUNTING"","block_context":{"text":"HUNTING","link":"https:\/\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/category\/hunt\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"CHRIS ELLIS - One of the best \"professional\" turkey hunters I know.","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Expert-2-925x1024.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Expert-2-925x1024.jpg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/Expert-2-925x1024.jpg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":13440,"url":"https:\/\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/secret-agent-shotgun\/","url_meta":{"origin":8597,"position":3},"title":"Secret Agent Shotgun","author":"gunwriter","date":"June 3, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Shotguns don't turn me on but my wife does. Its my intention to keep her happy so she continues to do that. She has developed this interest in shooting things this shotguns. In an effort to keep from having to purchase multiple shotguns to fill her scattergun desires I opted\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "DEFENSE"","block_context":{"text":"DEFENSE","link":"https:\/\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/category\/defense\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"DD-1","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/DD-1.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/DD-1.jpg?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/DD-1.jpg?resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/DD-1.jpg?resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":8893,"url":"https:\/\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/turkey-hunting-is-stupid-part-ii-i-missed\/","url_meta":{"origin":8597,"position":4},"title":"Turkey Hunting is Stupid Part II – I Missed","author":"gunwriter","date":"April 28, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"He was gobbling while I was putting out my decoys. A professional turkey hunter would have said I was late. I\u2019m not a professional turkey hunter. I put my back against a tree, which was at the top of a rock cliff, unholstered my Blackhawk and cocked it. I hit\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "HUNTING"","block_context":{"text":"HUNTING","link":"https:\/\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/category\/hunt\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"turkey-3","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/turkey-3-682x1024.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":15489,"url":"https:\/\/empty-cases.com\/blog\/the-hunting-wire-4-february-2019\/","url_meta":{"origin":8597,"position":5},"title":"The Hunting Wire – 4 February 2019","author":"gunwriter","date":"February 24, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"Check out this weeks Hunting Wire covering a new trigger from Timney, kids and guns, the Mossberg Patriot, Norma and Winchester ammo, tips for crossbow shooters, and with an editorial about dragging deer. 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